This is a repost from a chapter of my book I am working on that was requested my Stacey and Erin.
The band was on tour somewhere in Colorado when we arrived at the Club. I had a cold and was not feeling great but took a bunch of cold medicine, drank a few cups of coffee, and chugged a Red Bull. I was trying to get myself “up” for the show. I had a small window before all of the caffeine and cold meds would wear off, and I would be left a drowsy, snotty, wreck with a microphone. Nobody really wants to see that.
It was a Tuesday night, and the city was jumping….well I am sure it was jumping somewhere; unfortunately it was not jumping at the Club where we were playing. This is what is called “paying your dues.” We walked in the Club from the freezing Colorado night to be hit with that familiar sticky smell of beer, urine, smoke and sweat. The sound man walked up, checked out our gear, and let us know we had a few bands before us. I found a comfortable corner, ordered a cup of coffee and watched the other acts. They were young local bands filled with angst and suburban rage but against what was unclear. I sat back and wondered what I was doing there, far from home, feeling sick, watching the lead singer jump to the front of the stage giving the finger to the audience (which seemed to be composed of his girlfriend and Mother). What was the point? Had I traveled all this way just play to the soundman?
The band ended their set, and we walked up to the stage. I could feel my energy draining out of my feet. I strapped on my guitar and started to walk towards the mic when I stopped for a moment and looked back at the guys. They were all starring back at me with big grins and fidgety fingers. They were ready to play. They were like race horses in the gate waiting for the door to open. I thought of the nights leading to this one, San Francisco, L.A., San Diego, Tempe, Phoenix, Durango, and Colorado Springs. Some filled with people and energy and some with nothing but a bartender and the next band for an audience. I thought of late night talks while driving into Arizona, I thought of the stillness of the air driving through Utah during a snow storm with Miles Davis’ Blue into Green playing on the stereo. I thought of the laughter, the jokes, being broken down on the side of the road, and those beautiful moments when the band was effortlessly playing with passion and heart. I felt my blood quicken and my eyes clear.
I stepped to the mic and the music lifted me up in a tidal wave of emotion. I let my voice carry me through song after song and with each moment on stage I was in love. I loved being in the band; I loved having the opportunity to travel and sing my songs. What a gift. What a blessing to be good enough to have people say, “Yes you can come and sing at my Club.” During that set I sang for no other reason but to sing. The disappointment that nobody was there melted away. This was my path, my journey, and during that performance I realized it did not matter if anyone was there to witness it or applaud it. That was simply not the point.
The spiritual life is unconcerned with audience and applause. In fact it prefers the empty room because there is honesty in the empty room. It is just you and what you brought inside of you. It becomes very clear how much of you is the performer and how much of you is the artist. If the life you are living is true, it will not change because of the presence of others.
We have become too concerned, too drunk with our need for recognition in our society. The main culprit is the world saying: you are not really a painter unless you can sell a painting for $10,000; you are not really a writer unless you are on the best seller list; you are not really a business man until you are making millions and have spawned a chain of super stores; you are not really a teacher unless you are in front of a classroom; you are not a spiritual person unless you have read these books, taken these classes or completed these deeds; you are not really anything unless it is consumed or applauded by the masses. It is not ok to “just be” anymore; you have to “just be BIG.” Leading a spiritual life has nothing to do with worldly success or accolades. It’s not that it avoids success; it simply pays no attention to it because once you start paying attention to external approval, your motivations can no longer be honest. We need to recognize that we have very little control over how the world responds to us; we only have control of our actions in it. If our actions are all that we have, why not let them ring true? Why let our one possession be distorted?
When I was 24, I was at a dinner with quite a few popular Christian speakers, writers and thinkers when one of them turned to me and asked a question almost like an accusation, “so what are yooooOOOOOuuuu doing for Jesus?” I stumbled and tried to think of something grand and exciting but I had nothing. “uhh…I am in a rock band and uhh…we sometimes play for people who have um heard of Jesus…?..?” I waited to see if that counted but his eyes quickly drifted from me and turned to my girlfriend. He hit her with the question like a backhand. She was left stammering something about Catholics and cheese products when he turned his back on both of us and began the inquisition all over again with someone else. We had failed. We both were working at a Boys & Girls Club, and I was playing and writing music with every free moment I had but that somehow felt like it fell short. We both immediately felt inadequate and that we were somehow bad people. He had this look on his face like he had “got us.” I then listened as he and everyone else around the table proceeded to tell huge stories of the buildings they were building for the poor, the hookers they had saved from the streets, and gang members they had converted. Each one of their stories was more elaborate than the other. There was a certain kind of currency that was being flashed and exchanged as I listened to each of them out do the other. It was a currency that I was ashamed I did not have at the time. My girlfriend and I sat there wishing we could find a Hooker who was a gang member who needed a new house so in one fail swoop we could redeem ourselves and show we were spiritual too. Now I realize that currency was not based on anything spiritual. They were like the rich trying to show up each other with the latest car or ultra realistic plasma 450 inch big screen tv on their ceiling. They were trying to impress each other and gain some sort of caffeine-Red Bull fake lift from it.
I now realize they craved an audience, they craved applause, validation, and recognition. I questioned that maybe the only reason they did anything at all was for this dark currency. Their passion and spirit had become warped. They were people who could not stand playing to an empty room. Why play if nobody is there to see you? They were moving in the current of the world instead of the current of the spirit.
From those interactions I have learned that Spirituality is about living in an honest open way that takes no notice of onlookers or the lack there of. It is about letting go of the need for approval or validation from the world. Believe me; I understand how difficult this can be. I often craved applause and approval so I could validate the choices I made in my life. I felt the only validation worth anything was a million records sold or a Grammy. The more I craved this validation the more unauthentic I became. I started writing songs mimicking pop hits so I could have a hit song. I began dressing like a “rock star” and trying to live the life style. I discovered a few things during this period of my life: if I tried to travel a road in the dust of others I became more and more unhappy, that leather pants made your underwear ride up, and that I was further from what originally gave me energy and life – writing my music.
We live in an unauthentic culture that does not embrace readily those of us who chose the empty room. But every great adventure from mythology begins with a person stepping off the path and walking into the forbidden forest alone. Only when we have the strength to create our own path do we find magic and wonder. This takes courage so we must repeat the mantra, “If there is an audience I will let my actions sing strong with passion. If there is no audience I will let my actions sing strong with passion.” Let the outside voices fall behind you as you step forward confident in the sound of your own voice.
I have found the spiritual life is not just about playing to an empty room; it is about living in the empty room. It is about stepping out onto the stage of your life everyday and singing without restraint. We need to let go of the mind that is always concerned with appearances and the judgment of others. We help the poor, the less fortunate, the lost, and the broken because we can, because our heart breaks with theirs, not because God or anyone else is watching but because God is moving through you. When you were a child you sang because you felt a song, you danced because there was music; you stopped to look at flowers and dragonflies because they were beautiful. At some point on your journey you got lost. You stopped looking, you stopped dancing, you stopped singing and took your place in the audience. Somewhere in an empty room on a quiet corner of a busy street God is grinning at you; he wants to play music. He wants you to fall in love again. Clear your head, open the doors of your heart and let the music you were born to sing come rushing out.
Five A.M., book, christianity, life, music, peace, religion, spirituality, trent yaconelli | 6 Comments »
