Henri Nouwen says regarding the question “who are we?”: “The three answers that we generally live—not necessarily give—are: ‘We are what we do, we are what others say about us and we are what we have,’ or in other words: ‘We are our success, we are our popularity, we are our power.”

This I think is a constant struggle for me – for all of us.  I love the way Nouwen says the answers we LIVE not give because that is the biggest truth.  We do not say to people who I am is based on what I do, my popularity, how much power I have in the world but the truth is that is what we all often judge ourselves on.  The thing is if you take a moment to look around at many who have all three you will see how fleeting it is.  You will see how quickly it all can disappear.  So who are we?  Am I a vessel for power, success, and popularity and the more I fill up on these three the clearer understanding I have of myself?   I think we all know that is not true and yet we keep striving for these three things thinking they define us or will fill us up.  We glorify anyone who seems to have these things in our magazines, news and television shows.  Always the subtle message, “this is what defines you.”

When my demons come at night they always come using these three “answers” to knock me down, to make me feel bad about the choices I have made in my life, to make me feel scared that I am “failing”, that I am less than.   These answers to “who am I” only lead me further from myself, they only lead to running and running for things that I can never really catch or posses. 

So who am I?  Who are we?  I am not sure but I do know at our simplest form we are children……..children of God.  I do know that we do best when we remember that and treat ourselves and others as such.  I do know that I feel better and have more room for the light God gave me when I empty out instead of fill up on what the world tells me.  Maybe I will start there and then try and try and try to remember that every day.

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Steal a little and they throw you in jail,
Steal a lot and they make you king.   ~ Bob Dylan

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Our time here is so brief.  I don’t know if you or I can get a grasp of that but sometimes I feel my mind tickle maybe the outside of the idea.  I took my sons to Crane Creek today.  We have a spot that we always go back to and the kids create little works of art out of leaves and buckeyes or they just tromp around in the creek playing “shipwrecked.”  As I watched them my mind drifted down like one of the sticks in the stream until for a moment I got a sense of the smallness of this moment….of you and I here.  When you think of all the time that we think we know the earth was here and what section of time human beings emerged and then get to our tiny little fraction of a fraction of a fraction of consciousness…..well….it becomes laughable how seriously we take everything.  I can’t help but laugh at all of the moments we curse our lot in life never realizing the enormity of the fact that our very life is a miracle.  The grass: a miracle.  Water: a miricle.  All miracles.  Sometimes I think the human race can be like a spoiled child at a birthday party who upon receiving a brand new bright blue bicycle runs inside crushed, crying and screaming, “but I WANTED A RED ONE!!!!!”  I wonder if God is like many of us frantic parents saying, “I thought she wanted blue….!!….????…..I thought blue was good” or does God think (as many of us parents also do), “what the fuck?”  I actually would appreciate a God who occasionally shook his head and let the F bomb drop.

What is the secret of life?  I don’t know.  I don’t think there is one secret but I do know that for this fraction of a fraction of a fraction we might want to look around a bit.  We might want to laugh more and worry less.  We might want to drink the good stuff, stay out late just to look at the stars and sing songs to the moon because all of this will pass in the blink of a hummingbirds eye and when it does we will wish for every small moment, however brief, back.

photo done today at crane creek.

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Written a few weeks ago in the mountains in Oregon.

It is quiet and damp outside. The snow embraces the sounds of my children as they play and swallows these delicious vibrations whole. This must be why snow is so beautiful. I drink my warm coffee looking out the chipped wooden window of my cabin. The occasional distant sound of a truck tries to crash into this silence like an uninvited Hawaiian shirt clad visitor at a party, but the snow simply smiles and turns him away. Soon the truck and all of its noise and clatter trailing behind him is off searching for another door to knock on. The snow once again turns her eyes to my children and begins to laugh. And as she does they return to their dance with each flake a promise of love and devotion.

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Ya, I have been a bit out of it for a bit.  I have thought about writing but I keep sitting in front of my keyboard and nothing appears.  I have a few projects that have taken my creative energy.  One is my kids who run me into the ground on a daily basis playing Super Pig, crush the Dad, and rock n roll dance party, the second is my book (doing a big rewrite), and the third is a lullaby record I am trying to get finished.  Recorded 5 lullabies this weekend for an album I am calling “lullabies for walking parents” since I wrote all of these singing to my boys as I walked them to sleep at night.    I will post a few or have a few of you parents email in to get a demo copy so I can get some feedback.  I think I need a focus group.  As of right now the concept is to have the lullabies with just my voice.  No guitar or anything else.  I would be curious to know if they work for other parents.  I have some random thoughts that I will start posting soon.

ALSO.  SIX STRINGS is one of the coolest events we do.  All acoustic in a story tellers fashion in an old church on April 18th in Santa Rosa, CA.  What can be better.  $15 Ticket price includes incredible local wines and appetizers.  Robert Ethington and Justine Bennett will be opening the show.  This is laid back and really a fun night if you want to hear stories about the songs, band, or crazy shit that goes on in Five A.M.  You can get tickets here CLICK HERE.  Only 100 tickets and this show always sells out.

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