In each of our lives we will have periods when it seems that we are the author, with great freedom to choose a direction. And then there will be times when more limited roles must be fulfilled: parent, breadwinner, citizen, community member, contemplative. A mature life requires an ability to enter each of the roles given to us. Freedom arises when we hold them lightly, when we see them for what they are.~ Jack Kornfield (The Wise Heart)

I really like Jack Kornfield’s books. I am working through his new book “the Wise Heart” right now. The quote above rang very true for me when I read it. I just like everyone else get caught up in where I want to be or who I once was rather than where I am. I look backwards at stretches in my life when it was just me, my car, a bag of clothes and my guitar and I long for that freedom at times, when I seemed to be the author. Other times, I reach for the times when I was starting new projects, falling in love, starting a band, following a string that led to career. The thing is, that is not my place or role in the world anymore. Everything changes so why hold things so tightly.

I recently played a show in my hometown of Yreka, Ca. After the show everybody in the band was heading in different directions. I was staying up in Yreka to vacation a bit, Hammer was off to Bend, Or to see family, and Benjie, Jason and Jed took the bus back home so they could work a few days before our next tour dates. One moment I was onstage doing the rock n roll thing with sunglasses and LA clothes and the next moment I am getting into my wife’s civic with the kids instead of our tour bus. We headed up to the house were all I wanted to do was have a drink and stare at Mt. Shasta for awhile. The band used to after shows hang out, drink too much, laugh too much and generally howl at the moon but here I was standing on the deck with my two sons who reminded me that I promised them a night swim. I went from Rock n Roll guy to family guy in about 3.4 minutes. So I trudged off to get my swim trunks, because a promise is a promise. I was just Dad to these two so I took off the boots, black pants and shades put on the shorts and hoped in the pool.

I floated waiting for the boys to get in thinking, “what the hell am I doing here? I should be out on the town (what there is of it). This is no place for a musician.” Then as I floated in the darkness I realized how wonderful it felt. It had been really hot and it was an outdoor concert. I forgot about being Trent of Five A.M., relaxed and accepted my role as….well….just Dad. Then my boys jumped in and laughed uncontrollably the whole time as they swam back and forth letting me pick them up and rush them through the water. As much as I love music and the power of the band when the five of us are locked in on stage, this “role” was just as important and if all I think about while I am in it is “boy I wish I was rock guy right now” than I miss what is right in front of me, around me, inside me. You see, I am not just one thing anymore, most of us are not. I am not young rebellious-go-where-the-wind-takes-me guy anymore. That role has been set down (at least until I am old-drive-until-I-need-a nap-RV guy). Right now I am a husband, a father, a breadwinner, a musician, a writer, a friend, mentor, son…etc and I have to “enter each role as it is given.”  We all do or we just end up hating where we are.

That night I let the “rock guy” slip down on the floor with my black pants and sunglasses and picked up my Dad swim trunks. After we swam the boys saw lightening in the distance and reminded me that I had told them a story of when I was a boy in Yreka and watching the lightening flash with my Dad as we sat on the porch yelling “woooooooooo hoooooo” as the sky lit up. It was late, 11:30 p.m but moments like these don’t come around every day so I grabbed some root beers and a bag of chips and listened as my boys sat on my lap and yelled and hooted, “whooooo hooooo DAD there is another one!!!!!!” I thought of my own father and of being a boy. I thought of all the memories I have from those moments and the memories my boys will have and I understood that rock guy would have missed this.  As the lightening splashed across the darkness I realized I was very happy being exactly who and where I was.  So I drank root beer and watched and hooted too as I held my beautiful boys and the  moment given to me…..lightly.

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 Yesterday morning my son didn’t like the look of the hashbrowns I was making him. I tried letting him put the salt on them. I tried to get them to look like an animal. I tried letting him flip them on the grill. But nothing worked, the hashbrowns “WERE NOT RIGHT!!!” He wanted them to look like McDonalds (Screw you and your fat clown face Ronald). After 20 minutes of him complaining about how the hashbrowns “WERE NOT RIGHT!” I had just about had it. For some reason I had more patience than normal, believe me more often than not I lose it just like most parents who are being berated for the consistency of hasbrowns, but this time I knelt down looked him in the eyes and gently said, “I’m sorry these are not the way you want them. I am sorry that it is making you upset. I am just doing the best I can and I thought you might like them. You don’t have to eat them if you don’t want to.”

My 3 year old son’s eyes weld up while I was talking and then he let out a sigh and gave me a hug and kiss and it was over. Whatever pressure that was built up suddenly released. I was totally shocked at what had brought this on or why my apologizing made him well up but 5 minutes later he was gobbling up hasbrowns. I don’t know why he flipped out over hashbrowns……he was hungry….grumpy….who knows but he couldn’t get passed it. The truth is I don’t know why many of us flip out when a waitress gets our order wrong or the guy in front of us doesn’t see us and cuts us off or why there are certain things in our own life that we just cannot get past but I have learned after all of these years of trying to help people that you have to take people from where they are and sometimes we just get stuck. The problem is we spend so much time being upset with the way things are THIS MARRIAGE IS NOT RIGHT! Or being upset because things are not the way we want them WHY ARE WE NOT LIKE KEN AND CARRIE!!! That we never acknowledge where we are. You can’t get past grief if you do not grieve and I do mean grieve: cry your eyes out and let the ocean of emotions that is coming whether you want it to or not wash over you. We cannot get past the problems in our marriages until we acknowledge the pain we have over being betrayed, lied to, or pushed away. We cannot get past our loneliness or fears until we sit with them, acknowledge them and name them.

Maybe the reason my son weld up was because he just wanted someone to acknowledge he was having a rough time, give him full attention, and show a little compassion…..maybe we all need that. Maybe we all need someone who says, “I’m sorry you are in such a bad place, I’m sorry life isn’t going the way you wanted it to” and hold our hand while they do it. But it seems so many of us adults don’t do that for each other and more importantly we don’t do it for ourselves. Jesus spoke of loving your neighbor as yourself, well you have to love yourself first don’t you? If you don’t would this be a scene in the Bible?

Matthew 98: 1-3
Jesus: “My son, love your neighbor as yourself”
Guy from Galilee: “No problem, I fucking hate myself.”
Jesus: “Exactly…..wait….uhhh….what?    Well…umm….than that is not going to work.”

There is some great advice in an interpretation of the Tao that says treat yourself like a grandchild. I like this. I think of grandparents forgiving easily, bringing gifts for no reason, lavishing love and attention on their grandchildren. We need to go easier on ourselves or many of us are going to explode. We need to accept our stuckness at times and spend more moments with our arms open instead of clinched fists and lastly we need to forgive ourselves as easily as we forgive others. If we don’t we can’t really get to the depth and beauty of grace and it becomes harder to get un-stuck.   If we can’t get un-stuck maybe tomorrow you will be the one yelling, “THESE HASHBROWNS ARE NOT RIGHT!!!”

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When the dark is at rest,
the light begins to move. ~ from Taoist text

We often think of darkness as showing up carried by some outside source and laying over us like a blanket. We then walk about this darkness looking for light but I think what the saying above implies is more true: darkness moves.  It is my belief that we are the ones that move it.  We are the ones who invite it in and pull the darkness over with our franticness, our anxiety, our search for things that will make us happy.  It is when we stop, let our mind rest and be still that the light begins to move. The busier I get, the faster my mind moves and the more I concentrate on things that do not matter. Yes, bad things happen, people say terrible things, you feel anxious about where you are in life but it is only when you grasp tightly on to those things and turn them over and over and over in your head that darkness is allowed to run about and grow vines around your heart.

Find a quiet space in your house. Sit with your hands closed and think of all that is troubling you. Think of all the things that your mind keeps turning over and over. Breathe deeply, in and out. Notice how it feels to have your hands closed. After some time has passed open your hands slowly. Release the thoughts that have been pulling you towards darkness. Picture and feel them being released. Notice what it feels like to sit with your hands open.  Notice the difference between having them closed and openned.  Breathe deep.    Be Still.    Now feel the light begin to move.

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What happened to you?
Remember who you set out to be?
Do you remember all the things you were going to do?
What happened?
Don’t give me that. Don’t give me excuses. – spouse, unexpected hardships, kids, bills, mortgage, pain, bla bla bla bla- Deep down you know it is bullshit. You allowed those things stop you. Maybe it was easier to stop than to try?

Honestly look at yourself. Look around you right now. Look at the walls of your office or your home. Is this where you wanted to be? Don’t lie to me. There have been too many lies between us already and besides what is the point in lying? Who or what are we really protecting anyway?

When were you tamed? Did it happen suddenly or grain by grain like sand? Do you remember when you were open and free and alive? When your heart reached out to touch everything? Do you remember when you would climb mountains and trees, drink wine from the bottle, talk late into the night with your friends, sing out of tune loudly, laugh with your mouth wide open, sleep like a stone and fall in love………ahhh yes….fall in love; with sunsets, with just the right song on the radio as you drove with the windows down, with random people as you passed them in airports and malls – with the air in your lungs as your ran and jumped down a beach chasing a sunset?

What happened to you? Did you forget you used to be nothing? Think about that. You used to be nothing. There was no you, no legs, no blood, no blue, green, violet, or brown eyes. And yet … and yet here you are and what are you doing with this gift? Are you sitting in front of your television wasting it as you watch others pretend to live? Are you drinking beer and sitting in your garage? Are you building boxes and more boxes to put yourself in?

What happened to you my friend? My love? My fellow traveler?

It is not too late. We could start today! Let’s not try and start from where we were but from where we are. We could take out our paints again. Yes, yes, I know you have kids now and little time but we can still paint. Forget spending 17 hours a day painting epic canvasses like you did when you were 22. You’re not 22 anymore, hell you are not who you were yesterday, so paint with the time you can. Find little corners of the day to do something to care for that seed of light inside of you. You owe it to life, yourself and your maker.

My friend, I mean this as deeply as I have every meant anything….please believe me It is not too late. Turn off your television and take your husband, wife or lover outside with a bottle of wine and stare at the stars. Be reckless with your heart – your love – and speak only truth to one another. You can create something new.

Can I tell you one more thing?
My God this life is beautiful. Do not lie to yourself that it is not. Remember the first time you gave your heart away or the moment when your children were born and you will know that I am telling the truth.

I tell you this because I love you.

I tell you this because if I don’t then both our lights will diminish.

I tell you this because if I do not….I will burst like a firecracker in the night….and today….today is Independence Day.

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