I was watching her closely at the dinner party. People were laughing and talking but she just smiled never really jumping into any conversation. Ken and her hadn’t been over to our house in over a year. I waited for her to slip out of the group of women she was politely listening to. Ten minutes later she excused herself and headed for the kitchen. I grabbed some empty plates, pretending to clean up and followed. “Hey Shannon, glad you guys could make it out,” I said as I put my hand on her shoulder. She smiled, “Has this wall always been this color? I seem to remember it being……ummm….darker?” She turned and walked over to the fireplace and stared into the flames. “Ya the room used to be a dark brown, Mocha Brown I think they call it, Zoe wanted it lighter for the new baby so I painted it. Do you like it?” She looked up from the fire and into my eyes as she tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, “Sure.”
I put a few dishes in the washer and looked up to see her feeling the fabric on our new couch. She pinched it between her thumb and finger as she rubbed them together. “So how was that month in Hawaii? Must have been amazing.” She ran her hands along the back of her skirt as she sat down. She then folded her hands in her lap, leaned forward and stared into the fire, “I wasn’t in Hawaii. I left Ken and spent a month at my parents cabin in Oregon, alone.” I had known something might be up with those two but had never heard a word about her leaving Ken. Ken had disappeared into his job for the past few years and when he wasn’t doing that he was tearing up their back yard to build a deck that seemed to get bigger every year. He had lost 20 pounds since the last time I saw him but I just thought he was busy and focused on his career. “Oh, I ahh…didn’t know that, wow, that was really um honest. So are you guys back together now? You guys Ok?” I said. Her face looked almost serene, in fact I had never seen her look more at peace. It kind of bugged me. Shouldn’t she be embarrassed? She kept her eyes on the fire as she spoke, “Ok? Sure, we are Ok but aren’t we all really?” She folded her legs under her, “What I mean is I feel like if you have a pulse, have your health, a job, some sort of shelter, you are doing OK.” There was a long pause as I shifted my weight. “ Right? The thing is Sam, I’m tired of Ok. Sure it’s nice, sure it is comfortable but is it really living? Being Ok nearly killed our marriage and it has been killing Ken for awhile now. You see up at the cabin after some hard hard nights I realized being OK and living are two different things…..and I want to live.” I laughed a little bit and quickly looked for something to clean up. I was uncomfortable and I could feel my face start to burn hot but I didn’t know why, “Oh, well, sounds like you had quite an interesting time up there.” I picked up a couple empty wine glasses and put them on the kitchen counter, ”Glad your back. Glad you could join us tonight too. It has been good catching up with you two. I’ve missed seeing you around and I hope you find that we are all ‘living’ and doing well.” I made quotation marks with my fingers as I said ‘living’ and chuckled. She didn’t even look up at me as she said in a low sad voice, “I wouldn’t call what your doing living, Sam.” “Hey, What?! We are living, we are totally living. Are you kidding?” My throat tightened and I annoyed even myself at my increasing higher pitch and the fact that I seemed to have to laugh or giggle after every sentence. What was I so freaked out about? She was the one with the marriage on the rocks, she was the one living in a cabin, she was the one who was probably reading a bunch of self help pseudo religious crap pretending to be suddenly wise and spiritual. What the hell was I so nervous about? Why did I feel like a thief running out of a mini mart? I grabbed a short glass and pulled out my bottle of Bushmills from the cabinet next to her and poured myself a large drink. It was quiet but she didn’t seem to notice, she didn’t seem to mind that she hadn’t responded to anything I had just said. I took a long drink and felt the Irish whiskey work it’s magic.
I could hear laughter erupt in the other room as someone was telling a story about their dog and the neighbor’s fence in a booming voice. ”You know Shannon, Zoe and I are doing great, just great and we are totally living…..totally”, I said suddenly aware of how foolish I sounded. Why was I trying to convince her of anything. Who the hell was she to make me feel this way. ”Hey I get it. You went up to the cabin and got a little clarity or found God or the Universe or something right? Good for you. I mean it, good for you but that doesn’t mean we are all fools and lost souls down here. I like my suburban house, I love my wife, I love my life. Maybe we are not ‘living’ as you see it but it sure feels like it.” Her calmness was starting to bug me now, “And anyways if you call ‘living’ running off to a cabin when you get in a fight with your husband….uh…if that is liiiiiving than well…*chuckle – chuckle*…you can have it. But me, I think I am ‘living’ just fine thank you.” I took a long drink and sat next to her on the couch. I was proud of my speech. Sure it was a cheap shot but it felt good to push back on her b.s. The whiskey was giving me confidence and I didn’t feel my face burning anymore. I had finally took control of our little talk. If I played things right, things still might go my way.
Zoe came in and started filling up a chip bowl when she noticed us. She looked at us smiling for a long while as she rubbed her pregnant tummy. ”Hey you two, your missing some great stories in there. Sean is getting ready to tell us about his first date with Krista.” Shannon kept her eyes to the fire and when Zoe went to grab some glasses I scooted down the couch away from Shannon. ”Sure babe, we will be in in just a sec. Shannon is telling me about her trip.” Zoe stood for a few seconds staring at me closely and then smiled quickly, turned away and said, “Ok hon but hurry up.”
Shannon turned to me, refolded her feat underneath her and moved close. ”Finally”, I thought. ”Look at me Sam” she said and then placed her hands on mine. ”Sam, your not living. I don’t even know if you are ‘Ok’ at this point. You have slept with half the woman in our neighborhood and…” I cut her off, “Wait a minute. Hey! Wait just a minute, you don’t” She squeezed my hands, “Let me finish Sam.” She looked straight past my eyes into something deeper, something exposed and raw. I don’t know why but I fell silent. ”Your a liar Sam and a cheat. Why did you follow me in here Sam? How long have you tried to get me in your bed or did you want me for just a quick release on the side of the house as our spouses laugh and drink? Sam, there is something more than this. Something more than getting cheap thrills from sneaking around and conquests. Your heart racing from getting under my skirt or lying to your wife is false Sam. That’s not living Sam. That is not life. That is not being alive. It is just a fake boost for a dying heart.” My face was burning and my ears felt like they were on fire but I couldn’t speak. My shoulders sank back into the couch like a casket being lowered into the dirt…..I felt…. defeated. A wave of unmeasurable exhaustion piled on top of me. I couldn’t even work up some sort of fake indignation about being accused of “such things”. How could I, when everything she said was piercingly true. In fact it felt good to have someone use such clear true words -false- cheat- liar. I finished my drink and looked into the fireplace and could feel that same fire burning wildly the brush and brambles that had once covered my eyes.
She turned my head to meet her gaze, “I love you Sam and I love Zoe. Come back to life Sam. This dead living will get you nowhere. Come back Sam.” She stood up and kissed me on the forehead like I was a child and walked out. I felt the black veins around my heart relax. Somewhere beneath my skin my blood began to move and I wondered for the first time in my years walking this earth if I was alive. Something wanted to rise up, a part of me buried beneath the lies and distortions wanted to rise. I set my drink down on the floor, looked up and from deep within reached with every fiber of my being for the surface.
Short Stories, Uncategorized, depression, life, spirituality | 1 Comment »
